Favorite Quotes -NSFW

[LyricLee]

Some of these may NOT be appropriate for teens or for work. But Im a huge lover of Bash and other quote sites and wanted to share :)

Some of my favorites

#739375 +(966)- [X]

<Tostitos> i like my women the way i like my coffee
<Jet> Ground up and in the freezer?
<SteveTheImpermeableHamster> full of your cream?
<mistik> hawt?
<Dokterrock> What, tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a burro?
<RaMTuFF> quiet ?
<Jet>: Colombian?
<Aimee> hot?
<Jet> From McDonalds?
<djswift2k3> Black?
<SteveTheImpermeableHamster> in a cup?
<Jet> Spilt all over your lap?
<Aimee> cheap?
<whiteboihere> strong and black?/
<Tostitos> i hate you all

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#110 +(3101)- [X]

<Ohtani> one day I will kill ever person on earth who says 'u' instead of 'u'
<Ohtani> err
<kaientai> Ohtani: Planning a suicide run?


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#697959 +(938)- [X]

<dmonk> ok, what bible character would you ****?
<bobert> jesus christ man
<dmonk> ew seriously? id want eve
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#699957 +(599)- [X]

<Klaatu> Man, I don't know why your g/f has *** with you so much. With your micro wang and all.
<Hl1> Psh, it's not the size of the hull. It's the motion of the ocean.
<Klaatu> Aye, but it's mighty hard to cross the Atlantic in a dingy.

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#734433 +(1343)- [X]

<Erasmus> You know how you can really annoy a trekkie fan when you're watching Star Trek? Suddenly point at the screen and shout "Hey, isn't that Captain Jon Luc Skywalker?!"
<Erasmus> You can actually see them wince as the mix up causes them physical pain.
<Erasmus> You then wait till they've spent ten minutes explaining to you (in minute detail) the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek, pretend to think deeply for a minute, and say: "but he is a Jedi, right?"
<Erasmus> This can cause instant cardiac arrest in some of the more hardcore Trekkie fans.

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#734616 +(1019)- [X]

<Raptorx5> So I found a prepaid cellphone the other day at school.
<Raptorx5> Swear to god I did.
<Raptorx5> It had a small amount of airtime left.
<Raptorx5> And a ****load of contacts.
<Raptorx5> I called "Mommy" and left a voicemail "Your child is dead" in a low toned whisper. And then I ran out of airtime.
<Osmodius> I love you :D

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#734797 +(3846)- [X]

<Malagmyr> This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.
<Malagmyr> "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
<Malagmyr> "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
<Malagmyr> Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah..... right...."

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#735801 +(266)- [X]

<Rattlsnak> so my mom is looking to get a f/t job where she can work till she's retired
<Rattlsnak> she's got no formal education but she used to work in an office in front of a computer
<Rattlsnak> also... she's Japanese...
<Rattlsnak> any ideas?
<RkdJehova> massage parlor
<Rattlsnak> **** you.
* Rattlsnak has left #allnitecafe

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#728751 +(2554)- [X]

<ehFk> so today in class Mr. Frank was like "Guys, turn to page 404...."
<ehFk> me being a smartass say "Sir.... I can't find it"
<ehFk> "Michael, It is page 404"
<ehFk> "SIR! I CAN'T FIND IT!"
<ehFk> I spent the next two minutes explaining to my class what 404 meant
<ehFk> and they all looked at me like I was the biggest ****ing nerd EVER
<TheTik> wow... speechless.

[LyricLee]

<Flac> Ahh, IRC, Kind of like downloading porn on limewire, When you open it up, your never quite sure what your going to see, but odds are good that it will scar you for life.
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Kraigen: Since the creation of the Internet, the Earth's rotation has been fueled, primarily, by the collective spinning of English teachers in their graves.

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<mayb> procrastination is like masturbation
<mayb> it's fun until you realize you just ****ed yourself
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* dal3 has joined #math
<dal3> anyone good with math? could you tell me what 10+10-10+10+10-10-10-10+10+10-10+10-10-10+10-10-10-10+10+10+10+10-10+10 is?
<zepelin-> 17
<dal3> really?
<zepelin-> yeah
<dal3> thanx
* dal3 has left #math

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<Paragon> man i remember in like second grade the teaxcher asked what 2-3 was
<Paragon> and someone was like "you can't do that"
<Paragon> and she was all "right you can't
<Paragon> and i was like "nooo, NEGATIVE NUMBERS"
<Paragon> and she ignored me
<Paragon> bitch

[LyricLee]

#758379 +(4833)- [X]

< Alkivar> we're on our way back from partying in NYC over the weekend ... it was like sunday afternoon we're headed back west
< Alkivar> we're cruisin... maybe 130-140mph
< Alkivar> flew past a trooper on the side of the road
< Alkivar> trooper lights up ... siren blasting ... chasing us down the highway
< Alkivar> we're both like should we stop ... there's no way he can catch up to us
< Alkivar> we decided to be good and stop
< Alkivar> cop catches up to us ... comes out gun drawn ... pissed as hell
< Alkivar> walks up to the side of the car and goes
< Alkivar> "SON CAN I SEE YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE"
< Alkivar> Jason pulls out his ****ing pilot's license
< Alkivar> cop's jaw hits the ****ing ground
< Alkivar> most stunned face I've ever ****ing seen
< Alkivar> in this practically a whimper goes "get the **** out of here"
< Alkivar> no ticket... too embarassed apparently
< Alkivar> I'll never forget that day long as I live
< Alkivar> I was sure we were goin to jail

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#759758 +(101)- [X]

dantose: Do u get a trophy 4 it????
rocker576: It occurs to me that typing "u" instead of "you" and "4" instead of "for" saved you 4 (not "for") keystrokes. Typing "????" instead of "?" used 3 keystrokes plus the use of the shift button for a total of 4 keystrokes. Thus, you have saved no effort whatsoever by kicking the English language.

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#760210 +(60)- [X]

<Narcogen> "I rented that guy's ass for an hour last night."
<Dom> ...
* Dom takes that out of context
<Narcogen> You can't take it out of context
<Dom> watch me.
<Narcogen> it's a flat-out reference to gay ***
<Dom> ...you son of a bitch.


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#757644 +(579)- [X]

Zoolig: I've had enough of weak, indecisive people.
Shoe: I think I have too.

[foolinthemoon]

lol!! XD those are funny!! This really happened... :D

Nick - "Do you realize that you can turn any reference dirty?
Me - "I do not!"
Nick - "I went to church today."
Me - "Did you know that Mary Magdalene was a whore?"
Nick - ...
Me - "Point taken"

[Tosh]

lol! They're so funny! :D

Evan: What's the male version of niece?
Droompa: I think it's just niece.
Evan: It's like... niece, there's a niece and then there's...
Droompa: It's the same for guys and girls I think.
Evan: Wait so like, his niece Chris...?
Droompa: Noo... noose? Na I don't know.
Evan: I think it's cardinal.
Droompa: Cardinal? You thik it's Cardinal? Uncle Joe's cardinal, Chris?
Evan: It sounds right. I don't know if it's right.
Droompa: Maybe he's just in a, a military suit.

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Droompa: KFC more like, GAY FC!

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lol I love this guy. Just so you know, this is who he is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJK6wJG9J1I

[GoldenSimmer]

Lol! Hairless Rat Fur Remover???

[Tosh]

Tell me about it :D Haha!

[LyricLee]

New ones- god I love Bash.org

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schala: ... youve never had a pap smear.
schala: Let me explain
schala: they make you lay on a cold hospital bed with your legs like whee and then they shove a whoops in your wahoo and make it go zweep and then it goes weeeeeem and then they poke your weebleweebles and then you're done
danni: -Blinks.-
danni: Explain that in ENGLISH?!
schala: I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A METAL CHIP CLIP

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Rude: wicked story tho..this morning i'm sitting at the mc donalds i normally do having coffee and such, and this middle-aged fat guy who always comes in around the same time i do walks in
Rude: (and this guy's a ****ing dick, I hate him just from hearing him talk to the kids working)
Rude: so he orders his meal, and when they put it all on the tray, he puts the back of his hand right into the fries and practically explodes.. "THESE FRIES ARE COLD, THEYRE ALWAYS ****ING COLD WHEN YOU SERVE THEM, I WANT FRESH ONES"
Rude: so they apologize, take the fries away and after a few minutes I see them put some more fries on his tray...dumbass puts his hand right into it again, but these fries were RIGHT out of the frier, and the stupid **** completely burns the back of his hand and shrieks like a ****ing girl
Rude: I laughed so ****ing hard at him, and he turns to me cradling his raw hand and yells WHAT THE **** ARE YOU LAUGHING AT KID
Rude: at this point i'm laughing so hard i can only point at his hand and keep laughing
Rude: dip**** storms out and the kids working even gave me his ****ing food

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<parucha> So the other night I can't sleep, so I go downstairs and pour a bowl of cereal and decide I'll eat it in my room while I watch Conan.
<parucha> After I pour my cereal, I turn the lights back off and it's pitch black as I walk up the stairs to my bedroom.
<parucha> By the way, I'm only wearing a pair of silk shorts.
<parucha> So I'm trying to balance my bowl of cereal in the dark so I don't spill, thinking I'm doing okay. When I reach the top of the stairs, the bowl tips and I feel it spill all over my shorts.
<parucha> So I walk back downstairs to grab a rag and clean up. I find a roll of paper towels and I pick up all the cereal inside it and walk downstairs to throw it away and put my bowl in the sink.
Then I start to clean up the milk on the floor and on my shorts.
<parucha> Well this is near my parents' bedroom, and as I'm cleaning, I hear them having ***. Being male, I start to get an erection at the sounds of ***, despite the fact that I know it's my parents having the ***.
<parucha> So I try to tune it out and hurry up with the spilt milk. In the midst of all this, I start to have a coughing fit. A result of being a smoker.
<parucha> A minute later, my mom opens her bedroom door - wrapped in a blanket - and sees me standing there with an erection bulging through my shorts, which are still wet with a seeping liquid, and a paper towel in my hand dripping white stuff, all outside her bedroom door where she and my dad were just having ***.
<parucha> I've never thought seriously about running away from home until that night.

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<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little ****s in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “****! ****!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “****! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! ****!.” By now, the kid is scared ****less and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m ****ING HIV POSITIVE.”
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

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<Coyote27> They see me chocoboin'
<Coyote27> they be hatin'
<Coyote27> tryin' to catch me ridin' birdy

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<Mike> Kentucky Freud Chicken
<Mike> It's Mother-****in' good.
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<fenriz> my mother found some of my porn the other day
<fenriz> I'm not sure which folder she found, but I can safely assume she only scratched the surface
<fenriz> because she complimented me on my taste

[PerplexinglyMe]

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok
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t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG Blarney-head
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT Fry-face
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked by t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right


Words in red are changed as to not offend.

[foolinthemoon]

oh those were awesome! lol, that pw thing is AWEsoME!

and i'm going to have to add that line from the last on in my siggy! that rocks! XD

[danishani2]

Guy - Did you ever notice how screws screw the wall?
Girl - That's why I'm dating you baby, You're so smart.



I can't stop laughing at all of these.

[PerplexinglyMe]

I know, huh? They make me laugh out loud.